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Warning to y’all: This post is not my usual chipper, positive, happy-go-lucky post. It’s a bit dark, moody, and raw. But that’s okay, because life isn’t always sunshine, roses, and butterflies. In addition, it’s a long post.
Stay with me?
If you were to ask me how I’ve been doing lately, the answer is not so great. In theory, everything is going well in my life. But sometimes depression can sneak in and cling onto the good times in life as well. I blame it mostly on seasonal affective disorder; February & March tend to be a struggle for me as winter seems ongoing. Especially as of lately, the amount of stress from the things that I have been trying to balance have been weighing me down.
In particular, I had a really, really bad day last week.
You know those days that start out bad from the moment you wake up? It was one of those days. I had an interview at 8:45am, and of course, woke up late, and was scurrying around the house attempting to get ready while taking care of Shadow at the same time. One of the reasons why I normally like getting up early is because I HATE rushed mornings; they set the tone for the rest of the day, and I like feeling balanced and in control of things when I walk out the door.
As I was was running out the door, my hair still a little damp, clinging onto a resume that I didn’t have the chance to finalize, I notice that it is snowing like crazy. I was completely blind to this fact because I hadn’t checked the weather the night before, and my curtains were all closed this morning.
You always do this, I mutter to myself under my breath. When are you going to get your crap together, Chels? Be prepared. Swearing under my breath, I start up my car, realizing that I am probably going to be late for my interview because of the snowy conditions.
That’s when my gas light comes on. Crap.
I fuel up quickly and hit the road. Whew. I arrive at my interview at exactly 8:45 and scurry into the building, only to find that I went through the wrong entrance way, and the doors are locked. I sprint back to my car and circle the area to find an entrance way that is unlocked.
By now, I’m five minutes late, but hey, I made it, and I’ll take it. It’s only 8:50. Could be worse.
Overall, the interview went well, but not on my terms. I felt rushed, unprepared, and unsettled. I left feeling slightly inadequate and sad, thinking that I didn’t represent myself in the way I had envisioned I would. I also left feeling very stressed out about the position and hoping that I was the right person for the job.
By now, it’s snowing like a mother and I have an hour commute to class. I debate in my head if the drive is worth it. I think about how missing class gives me anxiety, and how my attendance was important for an after-school program that I am a part of. I think about how much I still need to accomplish today.
I decide to make the trek.
As I start my commute, I struggle getting out of the city because the roads are barely plowed, and it takes me nearly 20 minutes to get back on the highway. I love my Ford Fusion but she is terrible in snowy conditions. Her exterior sits extermely low to the ground, so she is very successible to getting caught up in slush, and she easily scrapes objects that are only a few inches off the ground. My back end fishtails a few times and I almost run a red light in the process because my car struggles stopping. At one point, when the traffic light turns green, I press my foot on the gas, my wheels keep spinning, but I move no where.
Finally, I get on the highway. By this point, tears are streaming down my face, and I’m feeling pretty sorry for myself. I keep repeating negative thoughts in my head. I hate snow. I hate Wisconsin. I hate college. The negativity makes me feel even worse, and by now I’m sobbing. I turn up Nirvana really loud as a coping mechanism and it makes me feel a little bit better. I reach into my tote and grab my lunch. I realize at that moment that I forgot my lunch on the counter during the bustle of the busy morning. I realize I don’t have time to stop to pick up food.
I drive on.
I feel so bitter. So drained. So ANGRY.
As I drive along, I am painfully aware of how dangerous and risky this drive is. I count 10 cars in the ditch, including a semi that is leaning up against its side. Fear consumes me. I’m 40 minutes into this drive, I tell myself. There’s no stopping now. I’m only going 40 MPH in a 70 MPH zone, and yet I feel like it’s too fast.
Then it happens.
The back end of my car starts fishtailing. My Fusion loses control and spins into the left lane, where a semi is currently passing me. I collide with the semi, and his front bumper sends me spinning back across the right lane.
In that moment, I don’t have time to put words to the thoughts in my brain, but I remember feeling.
I am crossing traffic. I am going to get hit by another car. Please don’t let me get crushed. Please don’t let me get trapped in this vehicle.
Thankfully, there are no other cars behind us, and he sends me sailing far across the right lane, into the ditch. The car jerks as it lands abruptly into a fit of snow. I open my eyes and hear the silence.
I made it.
With my fiancé being an EMT, I know the realities of car wrecks, and the consequences are fresh in my mind. I could have been thrown into on-coming traffic. I could have died.
It all happens in a matter of 30 seconds, yet it was the longest 30 seconds of my life.
After a few hours, I finally make it back home. I change out of my soaking went dress pants into sweatpants, lay down, and turn on a movie. My neck hurts, but I can’t tell if it’s from the jolt or my stress headache. I fall asleep and take a 5 hour nap, waking at 11pm.
So many thoughts enter my head at this point. I think back to how depressed I felt leading up the accident. I physically was so crabby, so angry at the world, and so resistant. I think about how there is so much BS I put up with in my life when really, the little stuff shouldn’t matter, because life could be taken from us at any moment. I make a vow to myself to only invest in the truly important things in life.
To do my best, and be done with the rest.
I will admit that I am not the happiest ray of sunshine at times, but I’ve also learned to give myself permission to not be okay at times. I know that I will get through it.
I believe that happiness is a journey, not a destination, and that I have to work hard to be happy at times. That might sound crazy, but I need to work harder to appreciate my blessings, let go of what does not make me happy, and find my bliss. Sometimes happiness will come easily, but other times, I may have to work at it.
I think about how life is all about choices.
Sometimes, I’m not happy about the choices I make, but then I think back to WHY I made that choice. With every choice in life, whether it is a good or bad choice, there are consequences.
I feel as if my negative energy that morning contributed to my accident. Even though I was at no fault and did not get ticketed for anything, I still feel as if I somehow sent bad vibes to the universe, and the universe was giving it right back to me.
So my lovelies. What is the point of this blog post? What message am I hoping to communicate with you?
You have a choice.
Be around those who encourage you to shine. Do things that light you up. Don’t sweat the small stuff. Choose to work hard to find your inner happiness.
Find light amidst the darkness.
There is always a light at the end of the tunnel.
Dress// Albion Fit
Necklace // Tilly’s
Headband // Tilly’s
Boots // Charlotte Russe
Bag // H&M
Sunnies // Target
How adorable is this t-shirt dress by Albion Fit?! Earn 15% of your purchase with the code INDULGENCE .
Photos by Shaunae Teske Photography
How do you cope when you are going through a rough time?