I would like to start out this post by first saying that I am NOT pregnant, for all you peeps who are freaking out that I’m getting married soon and won’t be able to fit into my dress. Rest assured; I repeat: I am NOT pregnant. (And I’m hoping that it will stay that way for a few years.)
Motherhood is something that has been on my mind pretty much constantly since I met Trevor. I’m not exactly sure what changed in me, but I think that when you finally find “the one” who you know will be the father of your children, you tend to think about these subjects more frequently. I think about being a mom every single day, and I have so many mixed thoughts, emotions, and fears behind the concept of motherhood that I thought I would lay it all out in a blog post to hopefully sort through my mind. (Bear with me while I word-vomit. Hopefully you can find something in this post that you resonate with so I don’t totally bore you!)
Born to be a Mother
My own mother says that motherhood is her greatest accomplishment, and I feel that someday I will live by these words as well. I can’t wait to be a mother. I know that I cannot ever perfectly prepare for the role, but I am so excited of when the day comes. Last August I wrote a post about how I fell in love with the beautiful infant babies I nannied for full-time, and how it was the hardest thing to walk away from them when I started grad school. I can’t even explain to you my love for them. As my final weeks were counting down, I used to rock them and silently bawl my eyes out as they lay in my arms sleeping, thinking about how hard it would be to leave them. I’ve felt baby love before, and it’s beautiful. I think about how if I was that much in love with another couple’s child, how deep will my love be for my own?
Trevor and I are getting married on 10/7/17. He will be 30, I will be 25. It’s funny how back and forth my mind reels with the timing of when I want to have children. There are some days where I think about how I want to start trying the second we are married. I always envisioned myself being the youthful, pretty mom who had the energy to run around with her kids. But then again, shortly after Trevor and I marry, I will be starting my career as a school counselor. In fact, I will be graduating from my Master’s program 2 months after my wedding, and job searching immediately after. I think about how I would like to be a few years established in my career before I tackle on motherhood. But where does that leave me? I’ll be nearly 30 years old, and Trevor will be 35.
Then there are days when I think about how I have so much left to accomplish and achieve in my life. How can I possibly achieve my goals and dreams when I have a baby attached to me, requiring my constant attention and energy? I think about how I’ve grown my blog this past 1.5 years into something beautiful, and how my ultimate dream is to see it become a full source of income for me some day down the road. That would require so much time and effort. I’m not sure I could do that with a baby, unless I was a stay-at-home mom. Even then, I would barely have any time for myself!
Which brings me to our next point.
Stay-at-home vs. Career Mom
One of my greatest fears is that I’m going to complete 7 years of school, have a Master’s degree, and then throw it all away to be a stay-at-home mom when my child is born because I simply cannot leave he or she home with other individual. To be clear, I have absolutely NOTHING against stay-at-home moms. My mother was a stay-at-home mom for nearly 10 years, and she loved it. (So did I, growing up). I’m just nervous thinking about the time, money and energy I put into my education, and how I don’t want to waste it. This is a decision that I truly believe I will not be able to gauge until I am a mother. I think that career will always be important to me, so I doubt I will be a stay-at-home mom for a lengthy time. I could see myself, perhaps, staying home for the first few years of my child’s life until he or she goes to school. Does that make me a bad person for “throwing away” my education? So many feelings and so much stress regarding this matter.
When talking about this with my own mother last week, she stated a wonderful point. She said that women who often wait to establish their career first sometimes wait until they are nearly 40 years old to have a child, and then they have trouble conceiving. At what point in my career will I ever feel like I am “established?” The answer is that I think that I will ALWAYS be striving for that perfect moment when I feel that I have “made it” in my career.
Giving up “Me Time”
I worry about how I will have time for myself and Trevor when I have a child. To be honest, I’m a pretty selfish person. I LOVE my alone time, and I LOVE our date nights and “us time.” It’s scary to think about how exhausting motherhood will be, and about all the things I’ll have to give up. When will I be ready to give those things up? Will I ever be ready? I feel like a selfish person even writing this right now.
I’ll be 24 years old in a few weeks. I know that I am still very young, but sometime I feel like my biological clock is ticking away. Will my fears ever subside? Will I be a selfish mother because I’ll be sad about giving up my own dreams? Will I have to give up my own goals and dreams? If I had to take a guess, I think that when I become a mother, I will form new dreams, for my child.
For all you mothers out there, I would love to hear your thought process and how you decided it was the right time to have a child. Is it ever the right time? Please leave me some feedback below!